Unfortunately, it's getting tougher each day. Seeing her "not fight" and getting weak, not being able to stand up on her own, eat her food or even rush fast enough to make it to the bathroom is just killing me inside. Just like my lola when she got really ill, getting thru Ma is a challenge. They hardly say anything. When you ask them, they answer with one liners. May nararamdaman ka, Ma? WALA. Gutom ka na? HINDI. Malungkot ka ba? HINDI. Anong gusto mong kainin? HINDI KO ALAM.
I haven't been going to work. Ever since she got confined last August 8, I have been watching her like a hawk, 24/7. I thank God for giving me such a reliable team, that even if I'm not physically at the office, the factory is up and running efficiently. I thank God for an understanding fiance, who has been so supportive and makes it a point to visit Ma. He even gave her a beautiful basket of flowers last Saturday. We don't go out anymore. And that's okay. I want to dedicate my time and all my efforts to taking care of Mama.
But today was just really rough. After 2 bites of her dinner, she refused to eat any more. It's been like this since she got sick. I burst out my frustration. I know I should not have done that, but I am just so dismayed that she is not fighting. Her recent tests show that she's alright. No worries. It's psychological, I am sure of it. And that is what's more challenging.
I consider my taking care of my family as my greatest achievement. Not my company or any other merits that I received in my lifetime. THIS is my yabang piece when I get to face God one day.
But today, I pray for strength. Lord, I pray that you give Mama the will power to fight her depression and whatever it is that's bringing her spirit down. I want to see her smile again. God, I would do anything for her to get back to how she was, radiant and positive and the strength of this family. Please Lord, I am begging you.
And please give me more courage, and patience, and all the hope you have in your bucket. I surrender this trying time in our family to you. I know you will send us a miracle.
